I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I could fuck to npr.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
