I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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