I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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