My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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