can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
