Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
