Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
