i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
