vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
