He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
