I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
