I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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