My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
