dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
