this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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