I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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