I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Randomize
