I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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