We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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