You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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