your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
