shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you traded sex for a burrito?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
