my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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