What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
