I love black thongs
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
