Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize