i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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