I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
