then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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