I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
