I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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