remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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