turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
