i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
