He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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