I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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