why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
