I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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