Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
