something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
