I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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