I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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