I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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