Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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