she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
