if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
