you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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