So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
