but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
