Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize