I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize