Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
