O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize