just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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