then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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