in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
apparently the secret to your success is patron
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You took a bar mat shot.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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