I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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