who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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