Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
