I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
