my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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