That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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