Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I love you. Go after that dick
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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