I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
