when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
