I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
